PDF He Called Me to the Ocean: Where Does It Truly Begin …

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By the time I finished reading, I realized that my non-phone hand was clutching tightly to my forehead, forcefully scrunching my forehead skin together. But instead of distancing myself from the horror, I soaked in it. I read it again and again, fascinated by how something could be so aggressively unappealing. It comes down to a pretty simple rule:.

A Facebook status is annoying if it primarily serves the author and does nothing positive for anyone reading it. To be not annoying, a Facebook status typically has to be one of two things:. You know why these are not annoying? Ideally, interesting statuses would be fascinating and original or a link to something that is , and funny ones would be hilarious. The author wants to affect the way people think of her.

The author wants to make people jealous of him or his life. The author is feeling lonely and wants Facebook to make it better. This is the least heinous of the five—but seeing a lonely person acting lonely on Facebook makes me and everyone else sad. Facebook is infested with these five motivations—other than a few really saintly people, most people I know, myself certainly included, are guilty of at least some of this nonsense here and there.

Bragging is such a staple of unfortunate Facebook behavior, it needs to be broken into three subsections:. Somewhere in the middle would be you calculatingly crafting your words as part of an unendearing and transparent campaign to make people see you in a certain way. On the other hand, they have the same exact core motivations as the blatant braggers and looking at these examples actually makes the first group seem almost lovable in comparison.

The image-crafting and jealousy-inducing motives here are transparent.

The World's Largest Ocean Cleanup Has Officially Begun

But really? The fun part of these is watching the inevitable comments and then watching how the author responds to them, if at all. This process slots the author into one of four sub-categories:. What are you looking for here? Off to the gym, then class reading.

There is a good chance that you are the “friend” that everyone finds insufferable on Facebook

I really want to get to the bottom of this. At some point between leaving work and arriving at the gym, you had an impulse to take out your phone and type this status. Then you put your phone away. Tell me what was accomplished. A weird part of the life of a major celebrity is that people are obsessed with everything about them, even their blue territory. My grandmother aside, there is no good reason to ever do this. That kind of malice is so extreme it crosses over the far line and becomes awesome. I refuse to believe you feel a genuine outpouring of love for your Facebook friends.

Hug me!

Seven ways to be insufferable on Facebook

I am one who knows the secrets of life—allow me to teach you so that you too can one day find enlightenment. You know what inspires people? You achieving something incredible and letting it be an example and inspiration to others. So for you to consider yourself an inspirational character by simply posting trite quotes is, well, flagrantly narcissistic. The thing is, though, that if you looked right below his post, all you saw were likes and a couple friendly comments.

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    About the Author Alden practices naturopathy and is a women's health consultant.